One day closer to my vacation. Thank goodness. I am so stressed out and exhausted. Of course, the exhaustion probably has something to do with only sleeping about 3 hours a night the last few nights. In the meantime work is chaos, family is crazy busy and I really just want to crawl into bed.
Instead I’m trying to find my balance. Making sure that I take care of myself, when I remember, and looking for the positive things that abound in my life. It’s easy to only focus on the negative, but I don’t want to see the world in the dark all the time. It’s time to look for the light – be it the stars, the moon, or the bright shining sun!
Some time with the family before work starts! It’s good to spend time with all of us – and Mom is having a good day. I’m very grateful for days like today – who knows how many more we will get. We need to stockpile these memories for the days ahead. Every day with Mom is a day we weren’t sure we would have so it’s definitely a blessing.
Today is one of those days that just drags at my spirits., even looking at some of my favorite vacation pictures didn’t cheer me up! There was nothing outwardly wrong with it. Nothing horrible happened. No life crisis to deal with. There was just the looming changes that I can foresee coming my way. Cancer is a deadly villain and although today was a good day, the two before it were not. I’m not sure what’s worse – facing Cancer and having to fight the battle, or watching from the sidelines and being unable to do anything. Everyone says “Be there” that’s what is needed. And I know that I am doing that, but it just feels so useless. I feel useless. I feel like nothing I’m doing matters and that feeling is bleeding over into the rest of my life.
This whole battle is making me question my priorities. What I used to think was so important now seems ridiculous. I watch the battle and I marvel at the strength that my parents have and share so willingly. And then I look at my life. And I wonder if I will ever have that kind of relationship. Don’t get me wrong, there are parts of my life that I adore. But as with everything, there is always a cost. Most days I don’t notice the cost, or at least it doesn’t bother me, but days like today it weighs on my spirit.
It all comes down to choices. Choices made. Opportunities taken or ignored. Loves found and lost. Life in all it’s glory. As I contemplate the past I am also looking at the future. I have some decisions to make and a part of me knows that nothing will feel right until I’ve made them. A few have been easy, but not all of them. But with the battle going on in our lives right now, how do I even think of myself? How do I reorganize my life to change my priorities, when I should be focusing on helping the family? And how do I not? I know that these decisions must be made, I’ve been putting them off too long, but is it too late already? Someone once told me that “not making a decision, is making a decision” and I’m tired of taking that approach. It’s time to take the risks. It’s time to find a way to deal with the enormity of the situation that is happening in my family, and to look at updating my priorities as well. It’s time to embrace the changes that I’ve been afraid of because although I may make a bad choice, at least I’ve made one!
One of my favorite holidays is tomorrow and I can only pray that the idiots down the street who have already been lighting fireworks, even with the ban in place, don’t cause a bigger problem. It’s so dry here that one little spark could set everything ablaze.
I spent the afternoon with Mom and it’s hard to see her so frail. Today was pretty good but just walking around her own house wipes her energy level to zero and it’s hard to watch. She and Dad are both in good spirits though and the doctor seems pleased with her progress, so all in all her battle with cancer is going well. Every day she gets a little stronger and that is what we all have to remain focused on. Even when it’s hard to remember.
Hard to believe that this is my parents on their wedding day. Of course it’s been 45 years, but they look so young. They have always been, and will remain, an inspiration to me. They made it work – no matter the challenges. And they continue to apply that philosophy to their lives today. I only hope that someday I will be able to look back on my life and feel like I have inspired those I know…like they inspired all of us.
It has been a good day, but long. Someday soon I’m really going to need to sleep more than about 4 hours a night. In the meantime I’ve been playing around with my new Photoshop Elements software. I’m by no means an expert but it’s been fun so far. And I like being able to alter my photos – making them something entirely new. Or at least I will be able to do that, eventually. For today I started out simple, just playing around with colors and layers. This is not even one of my best photos, though I do like the composition. It’s one I wasn’t afraid of losing, if I screwed it up! I don’t think it came out too bad and I have no doubt that I will get better with practice.
What I like most about this process, even as I am sometimes frustrated by my lack of skill in using the software, is the creativity that it allows me. Seeing things change before my eyes and knowing that it all depends on my desires is an interesting feeling. In a world that feels like it is out of control, it’s nice to know that there are some things that I can hang on to!
So glad today is done. Well almost. At least work is over and if I’m really lucky I will be able to sleep tonight. And if I don’t sleep I will always think I should have been able to. One day closer to vacation and I’m off tomorrow! I have a to do list a mile long, but it will be nice to have nothing to do with work! Maybe I’ll spend the whole day writing….that sounds like heaven to me!
More than 1/2 the year is over…and it’s been crazy. Health issues have caused things to be more stressful and chaotic than originally planned, but we are all hanging in there. Today, at least, was a good day, and tomorrow is going to be good as well. I will be the first to admit that this year has not been exactly what I had planned, but as someone once said “Life is what happens when you are making other plans.” That has been absolutely the truth so far and I don’t expect anything to change just because we are heading into July.
On the flipside, it won’t be to much longer before I’m on vacation, and I need it. I’m looking forward to relaxing and enjoying time with family and friends. I only pray that everything goes smoothly, because this vacation time is going to have to last. I need to store enough magic to make it through not only the rest of 2013 but most likely, all of 2014 as well.
12 years ago today I watched one of my best friends marry the man of her dreams. They are still going strong and more in love today then they were then. Watching them, watching my parents who celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary last weekend it gives me hope. Hope that tomorrow will be a better day. Hope that I will continue to find friends to join me on this wild and crazy journey we call life. Hope that the health issues facing my family will not defeat us.
Hope for a better future and acceptance of the days that have come before. I don’t know that anything can be better than that, but who knows, tomorrow is a new day and a new adventure!