Rainbow seen during my Hawaiian vacation in 2011 - I love Kauai!
Rainbow seen during my Hawaiian vacation in 2011 – I love Kauai!

Today is one of those days that just drags at my spirits., even looking at some of my favorite vacation pictures didn’t cheer me up! There was nothing outwardly wrong with it. Nothing horrible happened. No life crisis to deal with. There was just the looming changes that I can foresee coming my way. Cancer is a deadly villain and although today was a good day, the two before it were not. I’m not sure what’s worse – facing Cancer and having to fight the battle, or watching from the sidelines and being unable to do anything. Everyone says “Be there” that’s what is needed. And I know that I am doing that, but it just feels so useless. I feel useless. I feel like nothing I’m doing matters and that feeling is bleeding over into the rest of my life.

This whole battle is making me question my priorities. What I used to think was so important now seems ridiculous. I watch the battle and I marvel at the strength that my parents have and share so willingly. And then I look at my life. And I wonder if I will ever have that kind of relationship. Don’t get me wrong, there are parts of my life that I adore. But as with everything, there is always a cost. Most days I don’t notice the cost, or at least it doesn’t bother me, but days like today it weighs on my spirit.

It all comes down to choices. Choices made. Opportunities taken or ignored. Loves found and lost. Life in all it’s glory. As I contemplate the past I am also looking at the future. I have some decisions to make and a part of me knows that nothing will feel right until I’ve made them. A few have been easy, but not all of them. But with the battle going on in our lives right now, how do I even think of myself? How do I reorganize my life to change my priorities, when I should be focusing on helping the family? And how do I not? I know that these decisions must be made, I’ve been putting them off too long, but is it too late already? Someone once told me that “not making a decision, is making a decision” and I’m tired of taking that approach. It’s time to take the risks. It’s time to find a way to deal with the enormity of the situation that is happening in my family, and to look at updating my priorities as well. It’s time to embrace the changes that I’ve been afraid of because although I may make a bad choice, at least I’ve made one!

Advertisements